lose myself...

The only difference between a madman and me, is that i m not mad.

i m still in control of every single nerve in ma body, like it or not. my mortal flesh belongs to ma soul, but ma soul is homeless, drifting in no direction, crossing over. how many times i've had dreams of falling off a cliff, too exhausted to cry for help..when i died in ma dream, i become alive in the harsh reality. been walking in the circle like a donkey, i know ma direction but it will only lead me back to where i started. i heard laughters, vicious laughters, like a viper whispering near your ear drum, cursing ma every existence on this world. i wish i was deaf..bit ma lip and tasted ma blood, to ensure consciousness is still with me, and numb is yet to arrive. i allow fear and sorrow creep over ma body, eating into ma flesh, leaving me a walking skeleton. i beg ya pardon, premonition of insanity? your disguise is peeling off, you have no where to run, to hide to say ya prayer, you are damned. you will be naked in front of me. the faintest resist will only lead to suffering. don't murder ma sanity, don't even think about it! or i swear the last thing you do before dawn is to beg for ma mercy under ma feet. truth is daunting, but lie is letheal. i m trying to balance myself on the thin line, but more than often i lean towards deception. it spears into ma chest inch by inch. spare me with the bullshit that time cures everything, scar reminds the pain.

i will be the first to go, but don't let me be the last one to know.

10 years from now...

10 years from now...

will i be a noble man or a begger of ma kind?
will i be a winner or a loser?
will i be loved by the ones i love or the ones that love me?
will i still be hated by the ones i hate or the ones that hate me?
will i be redeemed of ma sins or will i continue to fall?
will i be driving a yellow top or a dreamy jaugar?
will i be a bacholar still in the forest of singles, or will i be married to the right one?
will i be telling truths, or hiding from them and live in ma lies?
will i be remembered by the friends, or simply forgotten in the flow of time?
will i be taken to the heaven, or dumped into hell?
will i be a song writer, or a senseless blue colloar leading a 9 to 5 life?
will i be confused, or enlightened?
will i be hurted or i hurt others?
will i be forgiven, or i m worthless?
will i be holding your hands, or i m holding someone else's?

somebody once said to me, why never see my thoughts on ma blog...i replied, my thoughts are too private to be shared...so, i hope this will be a start.

welcome to ma world..

Something Strange...

rising hell


well..i was dozing off on the bus on the way home. when i exited, i think i saw some image when i blinked. when i blinked again, i started to see the image piece by piece, it seemed like a man screaming. and, i was even more shocked when i looked down on the floor to re-adjust the focus of my eyes, a complete face appeared on the cement floor and disappeared the next second.

m i becoming psycho, or m i becoming the next John Constantine travelling in between the world of God and demon?

i would rather believe that the textbook is putting too much stress on my eyes...

Do u believe the existence of demon? i do..in my hometown which is quite a religiously proliferated place, different religions co-exit..few blocks away from the church that ma mom used to bring me to, was a daoist temple and on the mountain, there was another buddhist temple. i remembered hearing the conversation between ma grandma and ma mom, that someone in distant relation with us believed in demon the way we believed in God. and that was not going to be tolerated. i don't know what they did, but somehow that distant relative was converted to a believer in God.

in primary 2, during winter, at night i always slp with ma mom. the door of the bedroom would be closed to keep the room warm. in the middle of one night, i was woke up by the knocking on the door...at first it was gentle knockings like someone was trying to tell u he's out there, and slowly it became a series of fierce knocking, like someone was trying to make a force entry into the room and i swear i saw something at the window!!. but apparently, i was the only one hearing and seeing all that during the night. i was scared...later,ma mom woke up and i told her what i heard and saw, she then started praying with me infront of the bible. and at a point of time, i started shouting hysterically, and i dunno why i did that...

the next morning, i fell sick...ma grandma invited a pastor to ma house, so-called to "purify" me. the pastor put his hand on ma head and lead me in a prayer...i cant remember much from then on...superstition? well, i will rather believe it's ture..we are in God's land, and demons are our enemy...

wish me good nite, tonite.

save my day..please

i m in pain, but it's ok, soon it will become numb and soon i will forget, at least i hope i can forget. A long way before i could see the light, sailing in the sea of misery. no tear, please. tear isn't meant for strong mind, but why could i still taste its bitterness? stand by me, God, make my enemies fear me, make myself less sinful, redeem my sorrow and heal my wound. the journey izn't ending, i may be bruised, hurt or even shattered, but i will not knee down.

Recollection

i went AMK lib today to do some research for ma critique paper. And frm the lib, can see our dearest aj...

when i saw the basketball court and the FOUNTAIN!!..haha ant, "i noe wat u did last summer" with chester..

remember the graduation day, we all were laughing when seeing pple crowded ard the fountain splashing each other and taking photo..i guess they will be mad if they ever noe wat we've done there, man. btw, it's still shotting water up air in a very unstylish way...

we used to play bball on the monday afternoon remember? or worse still, we would skip the F-math lecture in LT5 after the PE lesson on friday, just to play bball..haha, there was a time when the mass disappearance of us raised the suspicion of Mr Quek, he checked with us during the math tutorial, and we all bluffed him that our econ tutor wan to see us during the time...but seriously i doubt he would be so stupid to believe us? or simply he didn't wan to embarass us?

i don't understand why the heck wei loong and ant would keep laughing at my fade-away style of shotting, anw, basketball iz about getting the ball into the basket, isn't it? at least most of the time i can hit the bulleyes..and ant u dun laugh, u are the one forced me to develop such a trick, every single time when no one wan to play one-on-one with u, u will come to me...and i was silly enough to repeat saying:"no, no, no" and yet picked up the ball. well, to shoot in front of this guy with spring installed in his leg, it's a great challenge to ya speed and ya self-esteem...i cant remember how many times he blocked me..but i do remember the times i got the ball into the basket over his long-streched arms, and that's how ma fade-away shooting came about.

another shooter plus faker plus hamster..iz wei loong. hah yeah, the most skillful player among us i guess, and he will always made some stupid comments during the game such as:"orh, no, king iz shooting!! find cover everyone!!" or he would imitate some of us here like dan, king or me...but despite his zany-like behaviour, he iz good lad! how many times he faked us with his super spin? how many times his jump shot slienced us(if not make us tease him more)? and how many times he trying to act cool on the court when xiao yun walking pass by?

the only trained player among us iz samson!! yes, do not doubt..he was in school basketball team when he was in sec 1 in Anderson sec..that explains why his three pointers can be so accurate at times..we all happy to team up with him, why? coz he's the super human that possess super strength that would aid us to win the game if not to wreck the basketball court...well, he's got a bad habit: always goes right when he's got the ball.haha. and he would be so fond on faking pple, he would stayed on the same spot and kept faking till the defender gave up, and he would happily dribble the ball towards right...but still, he's a formidable force under the basket. no one wans to spend rest of his life on Mars...

the loading player: daniel...this guy will come out with dumbest tricks on the court. he would run in circles and suddenly stopped somewhere to "load" for shotting..
Dan(after running dunno how many circles):" ok, now i will load and shoot, 5..4..3.."
Ant flew across, slapped the ball away, "Pa"
Dan:"stupid cow!! din u c i m loading?"
Ant(holding the ball):" stupid, nvm c pple shoot nid to count down de.."
other than that, he would sometimes team up with loong to make fun of sam..
sam dribbling the ball towards the basket..dan and loong defending..
out of nowhere, dan and loong lying flat on the floor abruptly, and rolling...
sam's face become -_-"'
"king ar, dun charge so hard leh, the wind pushed us down le.."

haiz, those were the days we were happily together, although sometimes will get pissed off, afterall we enjoy the presence of each other..take care brothers.

History repeats??

Well, i dun understand why, everytime i see qian yi it would be on the train.

was on the train today, lucky me, i saw qian yi again...i was shocked by how much she's "transformed", frm the naive girl to the mature office lady type( she was wearing a yellow shirt and grey skirt, office enough rite?)..aiya, girl ar, why u keep ya hair long? short hair or shoulder length suits u well and dyed ya hair back to black la..haha, but the eyes are as big as we ever noe, coz frm 10 meters away, i was almost blinded by the light frm the eyes..

the reason why i noticed her it's not because i m a peeping tom or some what, but her father gave away her presence in the train...first, he was standing up while there were plenty of vacant seats around, that called on ma attention to this uncle; secondly, he then started walking in the cabinet, calling friends, and he was merely standing infront of me, that's when i could take a gd look at this "wired" uncle, and i realised he looked familiar...thirdly, qian yi, dun put ya family photo on ya blog, that's how i recognised ya daddy...hahaha

it feels great to see someone u've not been seeing for such a long time...

Flu Attack!!

damn, got flu yesterday morning, kept sneezing and my throat was buring. first day of lunar new year, more tissue i nid than ang bao...

was thinking about my past..the five years in singapore, nothing but luck...from sec to jc and form jc to uni, it's been five years, how many more five years will i have? i've learnt to let go, i've learnt to appreciate, i've learnt to be a better man...but same mistakes happen over and over again, i juz dun understand why i will wan myself to be in a misery and still trying to put up a smile whenever pple ask me:" are you alright?"

day by day, i m searching for the passion that i lost, along the way i only discover more disappointment, grief and confusion. when crapping jokes with friends, ironically, was not trying to make them happy, but rather to let their laughters make me feel that i m still appreciated, even for a slim-lamer joke.

appear to haf made number of friends after A-level and after matriculated into uni, they are all nice people, i m juz fortunate to have such affiliation. but still, i easily feel lonely..and why the hell so many sad songs on radio?

i din choose my destiny. my destiny chose me.

another year...

hehe..wanna guess how much in there?


was praying with mom before the new year came..thank God for giving us another year of wellness, thank God for giving us healthy bodies, thank God for sailing us thru the difficulties, thank God for every miracles made real when we nid them, thank God for blessing us, thank God for keeping us safe, thank God for granting us strength and wisdom..

for ya saving grace, Lord thank you.

may God bless all of you, ma friends..

I WON the game...

our favourite game..

king..sori ar..i din mean to make u run across the aj square in the pouring rain..but we got shu feng to record this historical moment for us, did u c ma solid "stone" that shattered ya shaking "scissors"? wahahaha...

like ant always sae:" lose iz lose"

woman are born shopping queens, ain't they?

converse checkered edition


yesterday, ma mom and i went J8 to do CNY shopping for me, SUPPOSELY. well, i bought a pair of pants and the pair of shoes shown in the pic,and it took only 30 mins or less to clear ma shopping list...however, i guess ma mom's hand was itchy or her shopping mechanism was activated by the overwhelming amount of new arrivals in the stores, she asked me to walk ard J8 with her...and u shld noe how big iz the new J8 like...

walk and walk and walk..luckily i bought maself a big gulp of coke, or will be dehydrated.

in the end she only bought a skirt, and that already took an hour or more...when mom was out of the fitting room asking for ma opinion about her chioce of skirt, i sae nuthing but "very nice", "very good", "suits you well" etc, when she finally sae let's find the cashier, orh, that's the most wonderful words i heard yesterday..

fortunately, i dun haf a girl friend..or otherwise combo hits..

when was queuing for payment, there was an auntie in her late 30s i think..she was paying for her purple Triumph bra, but apparently the size was abit unfitting, but there's no sign of presence of her female friends or her daughters, so i assumed she was buying for herself..well, an over-sized bra? iz this the latest hip-hop trend that even bras nid to be baggy? maybe, i m too outdated, but quite amazed though how ladies are pursuiting perfect contour of their body lines..

m i too observant?

did anyone of ya watched "aviator"? actully in the film, if ma memory din play a trick on me, Howard Hughes was actually wearing the shoes that's in the similar pattern as the converse shoes i bought yesterday..when i first saw the shoes in the movie, i was telling maself i m gonna to get one..those checkered, old-styled ah pek shoes..

iz that the sign of getting old? maybe it's the sign of getting ready to be old..

Stressed...and embarassed

This is the most stressful CNY i ever had in ma 20 years..

when i was a kid, i was always looking forward to the day... the day that can legally play fire cracker, the day that can enjoy the home-cooked food that the adults had prepared since the day-break, the day that can just indulge ourselves without being scolded by the parents, the day everyone would be sitting ard the table and had a good chat and laughter...

and now, look at wat kinda deep shit i m in...tutorials, projects and quiz are going to have party with me..dun wan to tok abt it on the blog as this may trigger "fear" to the pple are reading it and oso in the same deep shit as me...

wat embarassed thing happened then?

well..yesterday i forgot to zip up ma jeans...damn it, i din realise it until the end of the first tutorial of the day, and it's already 12 noon...and i left ma hse ard 1030am..so for 2 and a half hours, ahem...

wat a day..