sad world, but live on...

我列出一张单子 左边写着活下去的理由 右边写着离开世界的理由
我在右边写了很多很多
却发现左边基本上没有什么可以写的
回想20多年的生活 真正快乐的时刻，屈指可数
记不清楚上一次发自心底的微笑是什么时候
记不清楚上一次从内心深处感觉到归宿感是什么时候
也许是我自己的错吧 不能够去怪别人
毕竟习惯决定了性格 性格决定了命运
我并不是不愿意珍惜生命
如果某一时刻你发现活下去
二十年，三十年
活着，然而却没有快乐，没有希望
不愿去想象
还要这样几十年下去 去接受命运既定的苦难
看着心爱的人注定的远去 越来越不堪忍受的环境
揪心的孤独感，年轻不再
最终多年以后一个孤苦伶仃的可怜老人形象
没有亲人，没有朋友，苟延残喘活在过去回忆的灰烬里面
那又为什么不能够在此时便终结生命？
不用再说生命的价值了
是的
比起任何一个还要忍受饥饿、干渴、瘟疫的同龄人
我真的觉得自己很幸福，但这是相对的
二十年回忆中真正感到幸福的时刻屈指可数
我不明白
为什么小学的时候无比盼望中学，曾经以为中学会更快乐
中学的时候无比盼望大学，曾经以为大学会更快乐
盼望离开欺负与讥讽自己的 盼望离开被彻底孤立的环境
人生每一个阶段的最后，充满了难以再继续下去的悲哀
不得不靠环境的彻底改变来终结
难道说到了现在 已经走到了终点
对于亲人，我只能够无奈
或许死后的寂静
就是为了屏蔽他们的哭声
就是能让人不会在那一刻后悔
是的，二十年，
但是却无法忍受这种行尸走肉一般的生活
觉得生活如同死水泥潭一般
而我自己其中 猥琐、渺小而悲哀
不可能再做出任何改变
如果人死的时候可以许一个一定会实现的愿望
我也许会许下让所有人更加快乐吧
人应该有选择死亡的权利
无法负担
以前或许不明白这种感觉
对自己的悲哀
痛到心尖在颤抖
或许死亡本身就是一个轮回的开始
用悔恨来洗刷灵魂然后新生
或者回到过去重新开始

this is a post by a young lady in Beijing University, she committed suicide after posting this on sch's online forum...

friends, life is fragile but we shldnt shatter it...live on everyone

Show Down

when i m typing all this, i can tell you that my mind is not with me..i guess my soul is now hafing afternoon tea with dead people like Bhor, Compton, Heiseberg, Schrodinger whose geniusness are now compiled into my physics text book...well, i still got a few chapters to go, the previous chapters revised still remained fuzzy in my brain cortex. hopefully, i could decipher the text, ya i meant hopefully...

Rain is pouring down, I guess God juz opened the dam in the heaven...

Cheng wei asked me to join the "amazing race" organised by sch during july, i m still hesitent about whether should i go, but he seems quite interested in that and feels excited when he was told that the participants will slp in tents during the 3 days 2 nites competition...well, let me get it clear, if it's gonna be "racing" in the campus, forget about it..that would be the dumbest thing a university could do, imagining a bunch of people setting up tents on the track beside school of computing; if it's "racing" in Singapore, i m juz wondering where the heck can we go? when back in JC days, we've done that once, haven't we? wearing this white t-shirt boarding the buses for free, in the end we still took cab(and tricked the guys who saw us running out of that community centre, that's more fun than game itself)..is that all sch could do? copycatting the reality show? if that's the case, why dont u try to copycat "the bachelor"..orh, i noe why, coz after four years in the university you will get ya certificate, and congrats u've just become a bachelor! how fantastic is that...

fine, i juz want to vent my frustration...back to work

beginning of the end

sem2 is coming to an end, i feel more comfortable with uni life now, but i still hate it anyway. coz it's such a world that i hate its very own existence, i hate those people whose selfishness is nakely exposed infront of me..dont give me bullshit, i wont buy it

i did meet good people this sem, i really appreciate that, my circle expands alittle bit, thank God for that. life is as stress as ever, but it's not as suppressing as last sem, which allows me to explore more into the new environment. if i cant change it, why dont i juz become part of it? in other words, i can feel changes inside me...like it or not, i m changing into a more cunning being, coz cunning ghosts are lurking ard me, i guess it's the animal survival instinct that drives me towards that. and my friends, keep ya worry at the shore, i will strip off the cunningness infront of u, that's only prepared for those dont deserve ma sincerity.

God, i m committing a sin, and i m only a trivial human being afterall in his devine world.

I m not in good mood

垃圾車
曲：阿信 詞：阿信 編：五月天
雖然你脾氣壞 對待朋友又差 凸槌又更愛牽拖
佳在你遇到我 不愛計較的我 算你壞人有好命
我走路你坐車 你吃飯我洗碗 你被欺負我拚命
若為了爽到你 可以艱苦到我
因為 咱緣分不可散 有你 我才未孤單
有你的陪伴 我才有靠山 你若不爽 我是你的垃圾車
每天 聽你的心聲 有你 我才未孤單
有你的陪伴 我才有靠山 你若歡喜 我是你的垃圾車
每天 聽你唱歌 愛情有影傷肝 想到我就會驚
親像熱天洗溫泉 頭暈目暗的我 愛到整身軀汗
我 歡喜又擱甘願 給你快活

k, don't pick a fight with me today..i m not in good mood, although i don't know why the heck i feel that the whole world had turned its back on me. it's juz a fuck'd up saturday, like any other screwed up days..pissed at anything i saw, wan to vent ma frustration, wan to hide maself, wan to drown maself in the rain...ma mind is restless, i juz wan tranquility for God's sake, juz some peaceful moment that i could find ma soul back...damn, damn the day!

let the day over